[NOTE: You can submit an anonymous question right here or by using any of the submission links on my Substack. They all take you to the same enchanted Google doc.]
My best friend sent me to hell today because I told her she needed help with her drinking. She is drunk by 11 am every day. I don’t know how to help her. We’re friends since we were in grade 2.
It’s hard giving people opinions they may resent, whether it’s that their favorite show isn’t exactly your cup of tea or that they’re completely self-destructing. If you’re like me, you worry you’re too much of a fuck-up imperfect a messenger to confront anyone about anything, even if that thing is behavior you wouldn’t be capable of on the most reckless day of your life. It takes bravery to expose yourself to the near-certain backlash and that almost as inevitable question, “Who are you to tell me how to live my life?” So, good for you for caring enough to take this particular punch, especially since you put a near lifelong friendship on the line.
You told your friend something necessary but something she didn’t want to hear, something that might not have had the substance of reality as long as it was neatly contained within her. But you revealed what was real and troubling, and that’s explosive information. So I’d start by giving her a beat to process this and to appreciate the fact that you engaged her from a place of love and concern, not judgment1. Grant her some time to remember the friend you are and appreciate how easy it would’ve been for you to look away. I bet plenty of other people are.
Sure, you can send her the occasional text to let her know you’re thinking of her and that you’re still reaching out even from the abyss. But for the most part, I think you just need to be prepared. Because if she decides to get that help—and it is, ultimately, her decision—you may be enlisted to help her get it. So maybe some research is in order, so you can be ready the very day she says she is.
You don’t deserve to be in hell. That’s for murderers and people who abandon a box of kittens and movies over two hours long. I’m hopeful that one day soon your friend will pull you out.
I’m assuming this, of course. I don’t know for sure that you didn’t call her a weakling and tell her to pick up a 40 ounce of willpower next time she’s restocking at the liquor store. So maybe while you’re letting your friend cool down, you can also review your own approach and make adjustments if you think you came across as too hostile, scolding, etc. Because, with any luck, this was not your last conversation on this topic.
dear jason,
thanks for sharing this as always!
this makes a lot of sense: "I’d start by giving her a beat to process this and to appreciate the fact that you engaged her from a place of love and concern, not judgment"
a lesson that i have learned a lot and strive to remember frequently is that sometimes when people aren't asking for our advice, even if we think we know THE OBJECTIVE BEST THING TO DO, if they aren't asking, the advice may not be received as we intend, even if we do intend it out of love.
PS I INTEND THE ABOVE OUT OF LOVE AND HOPE IT IS RECEIVED AS I INTEND!
thanks for sharing!
love
myq