I want to sunbathe topless in my backyard, but I worry my neighbors can see everything.

By "everything," I mean my breasts, not the totality of existence.

I have spent a long time carefully growing my hedge so I can sunbathe topless in my yard without disturbing my (very American) neighbors (I grew up in Europe). But after all that careful work, they are building an addition that affords them a perfect view of my activities. I already grew the hedge, and I don’t see why I need to do more. Please advise.

I admit that I’m struggling with your desire for privacy. I think that’s because I’ve gotten used to the fact that the moment I peel off my shirt, camera crews seem to appear out of nowhere to document the phenomenon that is my muscle mass. But maybe the first thing to consider before what’s to be done is what’s actually legal. As you probably know by now, we are deeply weird about nudity in America, and the emergence of a single nipple can get you fined or put in jail and will almost certainly undermine your speech before the United Nations. The rules regarding topless sunbathing in one’s own backyard probably vary from state to state, so look into those unless you want to be hauled before an indecency tribunal (Utah) or a panel of dudes who just want to see those “front muffins” up close (Florida).

But even if the law is fully on the side of your right to show your breasts to the clouds, it also permitted your neighbor to build an addition to their home. Like, with an actual permit. I’m not sure they need to accommodate you at all unless they previously agreed that once your hedge reached a certain height, their privacy fortifications would begin. Of course, if your law-abiding bosoms are a problem for them, it’s entirely their responsibility to solve that problem for themselves. Maybe they build a tall fence or simply rotate their house so their windows face another direction. But, for now, it seems as if the only person with a concern is you. And I can’t help but wonder if you’d truly feel comfortable even if they graciously built some sort of modesty barrier, if you’d always feel just a tiny bit surveilled.

If you’re not going to fork over a couple thousand bucks for one of those indoor tanning pods you had better not fall asleep in, you might just have to bootstrap it a little. I think there’s an adjustable screen you can buy, kind of like a half-canopy, and position it in such a way that your neighbor’s view is obstructed. You’d still have enough open sky to work with so you’d catch some rays at least a few hours a day. It’s not full-on beach exposure, but it may be a way of taking some measure of your privacy into your own hands. If you absolutely must sunbathe in full view of the heavens, you might just have to accept that your neighbor might get a glimpse every now and then too.