I'm not sure if I should come out to my cousin anymore.

He said something that's making me second-guess.

I’m gay and am not out to most of my very conservative religious family. For a while, I’ve been planning to tell my cousin, who’s one of my closest friends. I thought he was more progressive than the rest of my family, but a few months ago I overheard him make a homophobic comment and didn’t say anything. I’m now second-guessing whether I should come out to him over fear he may react poorly. Ultimately, I think I do want to confide this in him. If I did decide to tell him, I’m not even sure how I should approach the conversation. Would appreciate any advice, good or bad, on making these difficult decisions.

I myself am straight. It says as much on my dating profile between my height (5’11”) and occupation (joke ape). But I will do my bland hetero best.

Your cousin is a close friend but said something homophobic that’s given you pause. I obviously don’t know what it was, and there are all too many options, ranging from Disappointing to We’re Fighting Right Now. What matters, however, is that this remark hurt you but not so much that you’ve shifted him to the column where the flagrantly hateful people dwell in shame and hopefully covered in a rash that resist all known and future forms of treatment. You could try to gather more information, maybe casually mention something in pop culture or the news that’s LGBT-related to see if it elicits a reaction. Maybe he’ll double down on his homophobia and, with that, reveal himself undeserving of your confidence. Hopefully, he’ll say something that reassures you. Or maybe you won’t get the intel you wanted one way or the other. In that last case, then you’ll have to follow your intuition.

Although we are no longer on speaking terms due to a botulism incident I was only indirectly responsible for, I was nonetheless grateful to be among the very few my (former) friend Shelley revealed her sexual orientation to. Photo by lilartsy on Unsplash

You could write him a letter. That might give you time to organize your thoughts and give him time, in turn, to process the news and formulate a response. When and if and however you confide in him, be sure to let him know why you chose him, why you essentially honored him with this vulnerable moment. Because you’ve determined that he is among the elect, the very few you’ve entrusted with your full self. I think you can even mention, if you want, that he had said something that made you uncomfortable but that you still perceive a deeper worthiness within him. Hopefully, he’ll realize what a privilege he’s been given.