My accomplishments don't make me feel good about myself.
Can I ever stop feeling like a failure?
How do I overcome the nagging sense that I will never be enough? I'm biohacking my meals. I'm hustling with side projects. I'm taking creatine. I've got a nice nest egg in retirement. But I'm still stressed out and think there's so much more I'm not accomplishing - but this is status quo for a total loser like me.
I don’t think about self-optimization much, mostly because I am already optimal. My doctor told me recently that I was “anatomy perfected,” and my therapist said I was wasting my time in her office when I ought to be sharing my mental health with the world as the greatest gift to humanity since life itself. I have also, quite recently, returned from Switzerland, where attendees at an international bodybuilder congress paid $500,000 each to observe my delts with their own astonished eyes. It seems like you’ve got a lot going for you too, but nothing seems to satisfy.1 In fact, it appears as if every accomplishment just acts as a reminder of something else you should’ve been doing. And when you do get around to that something else, you discover it isn’t worthwhile and just further evidence of you being a failure failing.
And there’s something to be said for striving, sure, always having a goal in your sights, whether it’s big (summiting Everest) or more modest (dying on Everest at a respectable elevation). But you seem trapped in an inner monologue that won’t let you embrace a victory even for a moment because you’re simply a “total loser” by definition. Which means, I don’t think, you can ever triumph your way out of this. You can’t dig a ditch to heaven. Every achievement will just get processed through your pessimism, which seems to be the only voice in the room.
So where’s your voice? Where’s the voice you might take for granted as present but may not be until you actually summon it? I’m not talking about a voice of daffy optimism. I’m talking about your inner critic’s critic, the advocate that you assume would’ve emerged on its own if you deserved it, the exacting counterargument you would’ve used to fortify a good friend in the same situation—in other and fewer words, you need to change your self-lacerating inner monologue into an inner shoving match.
And I think that takes practice, practice snatching up those feelings of loserdom when they arise and before they can dominate you, practice evaluating them dispassionately, studying them until their irrationality becomes plain and before they sink into the deep regions of your brain where you define who you are and what you’re worth. It’s not, of course, easy. Asserting oneself rarely is, especially when you’re asserting yourself to yourself.
Meditation and therapy are built to assist in this, but I think it can help just to be aware that you have a role in how you feel, that you don’t have to just passively accept your mind’s portrayal of you. You’ll never be me—many of tried, all rapidly went insane—but you don’t have to accept the you that you’ve convinced yourself you are.
I write about negative inner narrative here, but don’t overlook the possibility that you feel down because at least some of your achievements aren’t things you want deep down in the first place.
dear jason,
thank you for sharing this!
i like your answer a lot.
i'd never heard "You can’t dig a ditch to heaven." it's great.
i'd also recommend to the letter writer (and anyone else who's interested) in reading the work of oliver burkeman, who wrote "4,000 Weeks: Time Management For Mortals." he points out things like (paraphrasing here) the better you get at answering emails, the more emails you'll get.
so the answer CAN'T be to optimize your email-writing game. at some point, maybe take a break from the computer (he said, while typing into his computer, realizing maybe he's giving himself [myself] some much needed advice).
also, i'd ask the letter writer, do you ever look back at what you HAVE accomplished? do you have a gratitude practice? sincerely, only looking ahead at what you COULD do and not back at what you HAVE done seems imbalanced. especially as we get older and there's more and more behind us, and thus more and more to look back on (hopefully) with gratitude.
not telling anyone what to do, but starting each day by writing and thinking about what i am grateful for that already IS in my life has been life-changing. in a good way.
also, you don't have to accomplish anything to be worthy of love. you are deserving. everyone is. i hope you the peace or joy or fulfillment or whatever it is that you seek. or that you stop seeking and find that THAT might be it.
thanks again for sharing! much love to you,
myq