on the subject of the letter writer's not wanting to "have to think about whether I matter to anyone," a question: when you've extended invitations to people and they've accepted, how does that make you feel? seems like you and those folks matter to each other!
also, have you considered just reaching out to folks to let them know that they matter to you, regardless of any invitation? it's something that i find brings a lot of joy. there are some friends i reach out to more than they reach out to me, but when i see them or hear from them, they are often very appreciative of that outreach.
good to remember: "Most friendships aren’t in perfect equilibrium"
I wonder if the writer's friends have just slipped into a passive pattern since they know they really don't need to initiate. They should WANT to initiate, of course, but people can find themselves taking each other for granted, even if they truly like each other.
It could be! There's a lot of information we don't have about the letter writer's situation. For example, how does the letter writer know that friends are having events? Maybe everyone is just sitting at home wishing someone would invite them somewhere! We just don't know!
I'm a fan of erring on the side of MORE communication than less, because then we get more information, as opposed to the speculation that exists within our minds as to the plans and intentions and happenings in the minds of others. In fact, I don't even consider that "erring."
One thing not mentioned in the question but likely relevant: are you & your friends getting older? (If not please hook us up with your secret diet/exercise regimen/sacrifice to the old gods.) People tend to get more homebody-ish and less invitebody-ish as they age, pair up, have kids, etc., and the pandemic cranked that tendency to 11. But agreed that if you are always relying on other people to be the instigators that will eventually dry up like your skin collagen.
dear jason,
i appreciate you and this!
on the subject of the letter writer's not wanting to "have to think about whether I matter to anyone," a question: when you've extended invitations to people and they've accepted, how does that make you feel? seems like you and those folks matter to each other!
also, have you considered just reaching out to folks to let them know that they matter to you, regardless of any invitation? it's something that i find brings a lot of joy. there are some friends i reach out to more than they reach out to me, but when i see them or hear from them, they are often very appreciative of that outreach.
good to remember: "Most friendships aren’t in perfect equilibrium"
thank you for sharing, jason!
love
myq
PS letter writer, you matter to ME!
I wonder if the writer's friends have just slipped into a passive pattern since they know they really don't need to initiate. They should WANT to initiate, of course, but people can find themselves taking each other for granted, even if they truly like each other.
It could be! There's a lot of information we don't have about the letter writer's situation. For example, how does the letter writer know that friends are having events? Maybe everyone is just sitting at home wishing someone would invite them somewhere! We just don't know!
I'm a fan of erring on the side of MORE communication than less, because then we get more information, as opposed to the speculation that exists within our minds as to the plans and intentions and happenings in the minds of others. In fact, I don't even consider that "erring."
Thanks for your thoughts, as always!
One thing not mentioned in the question but likely relevant: are you & your friends getting older? (If not please hook us up with your secret diet/exercise regimen/sacrifice to the old gods.) People tend to get more homebody-ish and less invitebody-ish as they age, pair up, have kids, etc., and the pandemic cranked that tendency to 11. But agreed that if you are always relying on other people to be the instigators that will eventually dry up like your skin collagen.
True. There may, in fact, just be fewer people doing fewer things.